Loneliness is a natural part of life. Everyone at one time or another has experienced moments or times of loneliness. We can draw on our past experiences to figure out how to best cope with our current experience of being lonely. Making connections starts with connecting to ourselves, exploring our values and what matters most. We can also connect to others, our surroundings and activities that give us meaning or make us feel valued.

The dialogue participants explained, “making connections means making the first move and having a positive attitude.” This they admit is simpler said then done and the key is in our attitude.

Sometimes, they explain, negative self talk can hold you back. Their tips for transforming negative self talk include: being aware that you are playing an “old tape”, take a deep breath, talk to yourself with kindness, exercise, get out to nature, gain perspective and focus on the now.

They emphasize that attitude really is everything. In choosing your attitude you can either sink or swim. For example, if someone doesn’t call you, one dialogue participant explained, you can choose to feel rejected or to feel grateful for the extra peace and quiet.

These seniors have something they would like you to think about:

“Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?”

Hillside Seniors Health Centre Finding Home Dialogue Participants

Imagine this gathering of elders sharing what home means to them and why it matters. For many, home meant things like having good neighbours, living in a peaceful environment, a place where you feel connected to neighbours and the community. Upon reflection they came up with a common definition of home:

“Home is where the heart is. It is both external, a place I call home, and internal, a sense of comfort within myself.”

And an ingredient that they see as essentiel to creating a sense of home is love. One senior explained:

“Love creates a sense of home. Everyone needs to love and be loved.”

The dialogue participants identified their top Finding Home priorities as: How To Make Connections and How to Deal with Transitions. Stay tuned as we explore these topics over the next couple of weeks.

Hillside Seniors Health Centre Finding Home Dialogues

Like the story of the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing every culture has fables that teach people to be wary of con artists or people that might take advantage of you. To kickstart our project launch, storytellers from Punjabi, Afghan and Chinese communities told fables from their cultures. We learned about a tricky fox in Afghan culture, a monkey and two cats in Punjabi culture and a wolf & goats in Chinese culture.

Next we had a wonderful lunch made by our volunteer caterer Janine Dunns with food & door prizes donated by Spud, Trumps Bakery, Pane Formaggio, European Breads, Two Rivers Meat, Indian Life, Horizon Distributors, Spectrum, Simply Natural, Miller Spings, Santa Cruz, Emelia and Rogers.

Desert consisted of a cake with pictures of the different fables donated by the United Way of the Lower Mainland. During the cake cutting ceremony members of our Seniors Counsel gave thier good wishes for the project’s success in thier own languages and placed their words on coloured paper attached to toothpicks on the cake.

Next, we went to Heritage Hall’s rooftop to play an Afghan Egg-Fighting game. After all, every good picnic includes a game! Afghan Egg-fighting involves two people, each with a hard boiled egg, rubbing their egg against the other. Whoever’s eggshell breaks first loses. The winner, keeps both eggs and wins a prize. Thanks to Rogers and Spud for providing the prizes.

Finally, as we ate cake and drank tea and coffee we had door prizes, followed by a Punjabi senior singing a beautiful closing song.

Thanks to Michael Becker, Director of Communications at the United Way of the Lower Mainland for his communications expertise and taking fabulous photos. Check out the United Way’s blog about the event here: http://owlly/22NON

The Elders Financial Abuse Awareness Dialogue Project is funded by the Government of Canada New Horizons For Seniors Program.

The purpose was to prepare each project team should seniors disclose financial and related abuse prior, during or following any of the dialogues. Topics covered included what is elder abuse, signs and symptoms, who can you call for help, the do’s and don’ts of intervention, safety planning and much more.

During the training participants from Mosaic, Immigrant Services Society, John Braithwaite Community Centre, North Shore Neighbourhood House and South Vancouver Neighbourhood House shared stories about elder financial and related abuse in various ethnocultural communities throughout the Lower Mainland.

Many of the participants felt the word “abuse” is not appropriate in various ethno-cultural communities. Focussing more on the concepts of respect, dignity and understanding, will open more doors to safe and honest dialogue. In this way, any discussion of elder abuse must include an exploration of cultural safety and relevance.

Many thanks for our trainers from BC Centre for Elder Advocacy and Support, Vancouver Coastal Health and Community Policing. As well as to the Government of Canada’s HRSDC New Horizons for Seniors Program for funding the Elders Financial Abuse Awareness Dialogue Project.

The training consisted of experiencing a Finding Home dialogue, developing culturally relevant messaging to invite seniors to each dialogue site, sharing culturally appropriate ways to invite, convene, & welcome participants to the dialogues. As well as how to sustain engagement after the dialogues and complete and ideas for celebrating success.

Seniors from each community shared tips. Did you know that a Punjabi senior recommends serving Red Rose tea because she claims it has more caffeine and makes Punjabi seniors feel at home? Another Punjabi senior recommends not shaking hands upon greeting one another but rather placing our hands in a prayer position. An Afghan senior recommends in her community to be careful not to show the soles of your feet when sitting down. All agreed, feeling welcomed and at home is critical for creating an atmosphere of dialogue. While cultural mistakes can happen, if the spirit of respect and friendship are present you can’t go wrong.

By the end of this community engagement and diversity training, participants had their outreach workplans completed (messaging, tasks and timelines delegated, identification of potential participants, finalized resource kits, welcome,etc…). We look forward to seeing the unique ways each group invites, convenes, welcomes and hosts the Finding Home dialogues for this regional project on Elders Financial Abuse Awareness funded by the Government of Canada New Horizons For Seniors Program.

Raman Pannikar, a seminal thinker on worldview dialogue, explains there are three main worldviews in the world: a human centred worldview whereby the Earth exists for human use; an Earth Centred worldview whereby humans are part of  a wider Earth community and finally a cosmos-centred worldview which encompasses the cosmic, the divine and the human dimensions of life. Of course, worldviews are never so cut and dry. Some people or cultures may have a little of each perspective, however he explains that often one worldview is dominant.

Getting back to fish… and seeing the conflicts through a worldview lens we can see some people fighting for people’s right to fish to make a living and sustain their families (eg. the Earth is a resource for human use) vs some people fighting for the fish, insisting humans are part of a wider Earth community and we humans are putting at risk the survival of another species (fish). Yet others refer to thier creation story and the role fish have in their culture since the beginning of time.

How do we bridge these kinds of worldview difference? First understanding and naming our own worldview and that of the other can go along way in establishing a common language and a fresh way of looking at the problem. Second, learning skills to harness the understandably charged emotions into constructive communication can lead to ah – ha moments and ultimately innovation.

In worldview conflicts emotions tend to run high. The conflict tramples on deeply held values and beliefs about the world and our beliefs about right and wrong. When emotions run high, this provides an opportunity to explore our own:  judgments of other people and ultimately ourselves,  as well as our values and worldview. Our fist job is always to clean up our own backyard (our judgments and getting clear on our values); next to suspend judgement and be curious of the other person’s worldview and finally to communicate and make decisions based on our shared values rather than the story we tell ourselves (about the other person, the situation or even ourselves).

Learning these worldview skills starts at home. And when we practice worldview skills with our loved ones, we more easily can bring them into the world and respond to challenging situations with more flexibility and innovation than before.

Sticking Your Nose Out of Your Own Cultural Waters And Experiencing Another's Can Do The World Some Good

Clearly setting the tone and having a transparent and fair process is essential. Next, designing a collaborative process that sets the criteria for choosing a project lead. Once the criteria is established, collaboratively design a decision making process that involves choosing a project lead based on the values and criteria identified.

If you are interested in values-based decision making, check out our book Worldview Skills: Transforming Conflict From the Inside Out. If you are interested in learning from one of the masters in this field check out Dave Beckwith’s work at the Needmor Fund.

A door-to-door salesman convinces an 82 year old man that his roof needs fixing.  $20,000 later, he discovers his roof did not need fixing and in fact, the “repairs” damaged his roof.

A 68 year old senior applies for a part time job she read about in the paper, only to experience identity theft.

The details of each story above are different; however, all resulted in the loss of money and the betrayal of trust.  During a Finding Home™ dialogue, entitled “How To Spot A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing”, seniors shared stories about their experiences of con artists, the shame and humiliation they felt afterwards and the road to recovery.

Ironically, the first step to trusting again is to learn to trust yourself. In almost all cases, the victim of a scam can remember having “a funny gut feeling” or a red flag that they ignored.  At first it can be tempting to blame yourself. The trick is to leave the blame squarely with the con artist and realize if you listen to your “gut feeling” you can trust yourself and your choices.

The second step is to understand what made you vulnerable to the con artist. Two risk factors that make people vulnerable to con artists are loneliness and an unlived dream. Con artists tune into what your dream is for your life and make it seem like they can help you achieve the dream. They tend to be friendly and charming and can give the impression of genuinely caring about you.

This awareness can be a road map for what foundations you need to develop to keep yourself safe from con artists.  Taking steps towards a life long dream and expanding your social network are two great first steps.

The third step is what I call “transforming pain into purpose.” Some experiences are too painful to just “move on” or “forgive and forget.” When I flip flop from the pain of victimization to fantasies of revenge I know it is necessary to explore transforming my pain into a purpose. For example, I was a victim of fraud in 2007 and out of that experience I created the “How To Spot A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing” dialogues.

During the dialogues, participants share stories and generate their own strategies to prevent and /or recover from fraud and other scams. For example, during one dialogue, participants identified the top ten red flags you may be dealing with a wolf. Red flags included, “they give lavish flattery;” “their story does not add up;” and “if it is too good to be true, it probably is.” Dialogue participants noted that lavish flattery, good deals or dishonesty does not always indicate you are dealing with a con artists. However, these red flag, exhibited consistently over time are good indicators to tread carefully.

Participants then share their journey to recovery such as the importance of remembering you did the best you could at the time. In fact, in retrospect, one senior explained, painful experiences can be a catalyst for growth. For example, if you have fallen prey to a con artist partially because you were in need of affection, this negative experience can be an opportunity to strengthen your appreciation for yourself and expand your network of friends who genuinely value your friendship.

After the dialogues, we create a poster that synthesizes the dialogue highlights (see page XX for to view one group’s How To Spot A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing dialogue poster). The poster becomes a visual legacy for the participants’ accomplishment and a public education tool for creating more seniors friendly communities.

In this way, participants become actively involved in transforming their negative experience into a meaningful contribution that helps others in their community. Some communities distribute the posters throughout their neighbourhoods as an effort to “con artist proof” their community.

Through the Finding Home dialogue and poster making process, seniors make new friends, learn about community resources, and generate their own ideas for projects and programs that matter to them.

Recently, the Finding Home™ Initiative has partnered with the Association of Neighbourhood Houses of British Columbia on a regional Elders Financial Abuse Awareness Dialogue Project funded by the Government of Canada (HRSDC New Horizons for Seniors Program).

We are working with Immigrant Services Society and Afghan seniors; South Vancouver Neighbourhood House and Punjabi seniors; and John Braithwaite Community Centre /North Shore Neighbourhood House and a multicultural seniors’ group.

Other partner agencies include: BC Centre for Elder Advocacy and Support, Mosaic and the BC Association of Community Response Networks. In-kind contributions from the United Way of the Lower Mainland , Ministry of Healthy Living and Sport, and BC211 have helped get this project off to a fabulous start!

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How To Spot A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

Now, 70 people gathered to celebrate their work and launch the posters. What made this event so successful was how much the residents and dialogue participants themselves contributed to the day. For example, a youth group showed up in the early morning to set up the room for the event and took charge of the registration table and welcoming people to the celebration as they arrived.

Newcomer seniors, youth and parents all spoke at the event. Youth translators ensured every word was interpreted into Korean, Mandarin and English. Everyone shared their talents including a skit entitled “Eva Comes to Canada,” a solo singing performance and Yichen playing the Guzheng.

Yichen Plays the Guzheng at Celebrating Success Event

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